Emily Jamea, Ph.D. is an author and podcast host who specializes in sexual health. You can find her here each month sharing her latest thoughts about sex.
Close your eyes and picture yourself 10 years ago. What were some of your interests and preferences back then, as well as any important relationships?
Take a moment and assess where you stand today compared with when you set out. Are your priorities still the same or have things changed since? Has life taken the path that was intended?
No one seems alarmed when thinking about their personality progressing; however, when it comes to our sexuality it can be harder to grasp the concept of fluidity.
Sexual fluidity is an umbrella term. There are multiple dimensions to sexual identity; therefore, let’s dissect some key terms associated with it.
Biological Sex refers to the organs that lie between your legs at birth and whether you were born with either an XX (female) or XY (male) chromosomal makeup – though there can be rare variations within each binary binary biological sex profile.
Gender identity refers to your internal experience of being masculine or feminine; or both or neither. When people inquire about your pronouns they are asking about your gender identity. Common gender identities include male, female, transgender, nonbinary agenders and genderqueers – when your biological sex matches up perfectly you are considered cisgender (cis).
Gender Expression refers to your outward appearance as either masculine or feminine. People perceive you through factors such as dress, behavior and voice patterns. People can express themselves as masculine, feminine, androgynous or any combination thereof.
Romantic orientation refers to your emotional and romantic interest for others that transcends gender identity or sexual orientation.
Sexual/erotic orientation refers to your preferred partner(s). Sexual orientations include homosexuals – who prefer people of the same gender for sexual encounters – heterosexuals (those attracted to people of opposite genders); bisexuals who find attraction between both sexes; pansexuals who enjoy having sexual relations between all genders and asexuals who do not find anyone attractive enough for romantic entanglements or simply do not possess one at all; as well as people without sexual affinities at all or do not possess one at all!).
Now, let’s examine some examples.
Bethany was born with a vulva and uses she/her pronouns. She enjoys wearing long hair, flowy dresses and stiletto heels – and loves having sexual relations with her cis male husband!
Bethany’s biological sex is female; however, her gender identity and expression is femme; her romantic orientation leans toward men; and her sexual orientation is heterosexual.
David was born with a penis and prefers using “he/him” pronouns. He wears men’s suits and receives haircuts every three weeks. Since he and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for five years, they sometimes enjoy inviting another male partner into the bedroom.
David’s biological sex is male; his gender identity and expression is masculine; his romantic orientation lies towards women; and his sexual orientation leans primarily heterosexual with some fluidity toward bisexuality.
Blake was born with a penis and uses they/them pronouns. While they appear masculine in work environments, their social presence tends to be androgynous. Blake enjoys cuddling and spending time with people of all gender identities but have no interest in engaging in sexual acts that involve the genital area. They anticipate they may experience differently after undergoing gender reassignment surgery.
Blake has biological sex that identifies them as male, and their gender expression varies based on situational needs and circumstance. Their romantic orientation is panromantic (toward all people), while their sexual orientation remains asexual for now.
As things can become even more complex, your sexual identity can shift over time. That one fling with someone of the same gender during college doesn’t make you gay or bisexual; most likely it was simply an instance of fluid sexuality.
If you think sexual fluidity is a new trend, think again. History provides ample examples of fluidity across gender and orientation lines; Ancient Egyptians sometimes switched genders to make passage to the afterlife easier while Pompeii preserves numerous depictions of non-heteronormative sexual acts preserved as carvings in stone. Native Americans were known for accepting their people having two spirits within them that later manifested as gender nonbinary individuals.
Chrishell Stause is one of the more notable instances of fluidity among celebrities, having made headlines as an actress on Netflix’s hit “Selling Sunset.” Initially she presented as female and was known for having several high-profile heterosexual relationships until she shocked fans by admitting her love for Australian musician G Flip whose biological sex is female but who uses they/them pronouns. This revelation caused some shock among fellow cast members who saw Chrishell Stause as representing heteronormative sexuality – initially she caused confusion among cast members who saw her as a poster child for heteronormative sexuality compared to what had previously been expected of her fellow cast members.
While some may know from birth who they are – male, female, straight or gay – their sexual identity may change over time.
Although not listed above, sexual preferences can also change throughout a romantic relationship. Perhaps you go through periods where you find yourself drawn more strongly to one vibrator over the others; all within the framework of one primary romantic partnership.
Or perhaps you and your partner are exploring consensual non-monogamy, also known as sexual fluidity. Even if sexual monogamy was satisfying for years, you may now long for experiences beyond your primary relationship partner.
Most people still take their sexuality at face value and conform to heteronormative norms, without questioning or exploring it further. Others may wait until someone forces them to look in the mirror, while change often comes through meeting someone who inspires us or challenges our beliefs. More and more young people are actively questioning their sexual identity by taking time and thoughtful consideration when considering what works for them at any given moment – rather than feeling bound by expectations to conform within any particular box.
No matter where your identity lies, remember that fluidity and change are natural. No matter who or what identifies as you, you deserve love from those around you and to be loved in return.